Ups and Downs

This last month has been an interesting one.  It is amazing to me how quickly things in your life can change.  One minute can change things and make life better or make life horrible.  I have had to experience both of those things this last month.  I felt so blessed at the beginning of the month to find out that our waiting was over and that I was finally pregnant with baby #4!  I was so happy, I can't even begin to tell you how happy I was.  I have this problem when I get pregnant...I show immediately...REALLY I do!  I took the pregnancy test because my pants were no longer comforable.  Because of the baby bump we told the girls a few days after I found out about the baby.  They were also VERY excited and immediately started fighting over the gender of the baby.  Sammy wants a boy so Josh can have a brother and Andrea wants a little sister!  Everything seemed perfect...for a week.  Then, the pain came...I immediately went to the doctor to get my horomones tested and to have an ultrasound done to make sure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy.  It wasn't.  The doctor was pretty sure it was a miscarraige.  In the back of my head I knew that was what was happening but I didn't want to believe it.  I was scared to death and cried the whole way back from the doctor's office.  The blood work confirmed that I was having a miscarraige and so it began.  I was doing pretty good the first day or two, other than I kept crying over nothing.  I still cry and I am not one to cry.  The doctor prescribed me pain meds but I really didn't understand why until the cramping really hit!!  I am not going to into the details but let's just say it hurts really bad.  It has been almost two weeks since this started.  I would have had my first OB visit this Thursday to find out my exact due date...that visit has been cancelled.  I have debated whether or not to even post anything on my blog about this but felt like I needed to for me.  I will be honest and say this has been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.  I don't think you really understand how hard physically and emotionally a miscarraige is until you experience it.  Even though I was only about five weeks pregnant I feel the pain of having my baby die.  Things are slowly getting better and will keep getting better.  Through this whole thing I have been able to draw closer to my Heavenly Father and truly put my faith in him.  I know there is a reason this is happening to me right now...I just have to figure out why!!!

Now, could someone please invent a house that cleans itself so I don't have to try to catch up on all the housework I have not done in the last two weeks while I have been trying to take it easy!!!!

I found this poem online and really like it:

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok.
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

-Author Unknown